The Asshole

I am fairly sure that nobody really reads this thing.  But that's ok, I really just use it to see my thoughts and wonder how proper or messed up they are.

So....

I'm an asshole.

Am I?  I am working on a spiritual path that demands authenticity.  This means that I have to be as honest with myself and God...about myself.  Whew!  That is easier said than done!

I am looking at things I post.  Things I remember having said and done in my past.  I am hearing things from people, things that were said about me in the past and are only now being told to me.  I am discovering a capacity to be just a great big asshole.

This changes things.

Cause if I'M the asshole, maybe those people who screwed me over in my past actually had good reason.  Maybe THEY were the victims, not me.

I've never been a big guy.  Only about 5'6 to 5'7...depending on my back and how compressed it is that day.  My job gives me strength, but nothing like a redneck or an athlete.  I've worn glasses since 3rd grade.  I've always thought of myself as the little guy with glasses that had to watch out for the assholes.

But now I'm discovering I am one myself.  Goodness.

There are more ways to be an asshole, than just a physical bully.  Even little guys like me can be assholes with sarcasm, jibes and veiled insults.  Emotions are much easier to play with than Kung Fu.  Being small and geeky, I've always relied on my wits to be safe and feel superior.

Authentically, I can say, I'm not much.  I'm like the town of Anatevka in the movie Fiddler on the Roof..."a little bit of this, a little bit of that"...but not a lot of anything.

Time for another personal inventory, with this new awareness of self to help me out.  Maybe some day I will get to where God wants me to be.

Nice thoughts rambler.